Well here I am again. For some time now I am more calm and relaxed and not much disturbing events are happening and disrupting me, so for some days now I have


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NameWell here I am again. For some time now I am more calm and relaxed and not much disturbing events are happening and disrupting me, so for some days now I have
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Friday, 14 December 2012

14-12-12


well here I am again. For some time now I am more calm and relaxed and not much disturbing events are happening and disrupting me, so for some days now I have time left to write in my traumabook but I didn't because I don't want it. I want to forget it, don't talk about it, try to breath and sleep and find food to stay alive for some reason. Not to stay alive but to feel better. If I am hungry I can't sit still and concentrate. To be able to write here I have to be in optima forma and then still I don't want to write here.

I remembered something about the man that I lived with for some years. Yesterday I think I don't know if I told you. It was with this serial rapist and killer that I caught when I was 17. I ran into the house of the neighbours because the door was open and slammed it shut tight behind me. The house was shaking and the neighbour upstairs yelled who is that? I ran upstairs and told her and ran to the window to point at him as evidence that I didn't make it up. When I was at the window I saw his car and the license plate and immediately realised I needed that. I asked her for pen and paper and wrote it down including brand and model and colour. I think I must have asked her or her husband what kind of car it is, because I always do that if there is something wrong I ask the first guy I see to tell me the make and model. I think I waited until my partner came home or not, anyway I remember the neighbour went up to see him when he was at home and told him what had happened because when I saw him he laughed at me and joked about it, in the way that he told me that the neighbour came up all frantic waving her arms in alarm to tell him what happened and he pretended he didn't understand a word she was saying and that she probably exaggerated or was talking nonsense, he told me this in my face and laughed it off giving me no chance at all to tell him that it was all true and to make clear to me he thought it was ridiculous and that I better not talk about it. I was still in shock and didn't respond, I knew him, I knew the Dutch, they have no feelings, no hearth, they are ice cold if it concerns others and are only interested in themselves and everything must always evolve around them and their petty little problems. I think I was at the police station or in a pub. No both, I was at a police station where a retard cop made fun of me and forced me to tell my story in public with all the curious eyes of the waiting people fixed on me, I refused and wanted to get out but the door didn't open and I hurt my toe very badly, I sprained it and I couldn't walk anymore. You know my foot problems and how careful I must be. I stumbled to a pub and had a drink while it was officially closed but the bar people sensed something was wrong and gave me it anyway. After that I came home I think and was confronted by this jerk who laughed in my face. I went back to the station I don't know why but I remember that I was there with my partner. This is what I remembered yesterday. He refused to come inside and waited in the entrance hall sitting on a chair to study! He said he had an exam coming up, internal medicine, and he had to study. He had no time left to spend 30 minutes talking to a detective with me, and I was of course not important only his exam because it was a way to get his father to love and appreciate him. His father who was a retired internist had him whisked off at the age of 6 into a boarding school and never gave him the day of light. He was 15 years younger than his siblings, an accident. He flunked that exam three times I think while I passed it in one attempt with a good grade. he wanted to have a straight A to impress his father but in trying so hard he didn't even passed it let alone get a straight A. So he was in this hallway with his medical book on his knees trying to imprint every nonsense detail and ignoring me completely because it was all nonsense anyway. This is how awful that guy was. Completely absorbed with himself and what is important to him. When my baby was abducted I went to see him to ask for help, he was of all things a child psychiatrist, he!! a heartless, cold, un-empathetic, egocentric jerk. I thought maybe he could fill in a good word for me or explain the judge how devastating this is for the baby. But I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I came back a second time to try but the neighbours called the police that an unknown car was parked in their street and I was arrested. He told me later that he didn't want that, trouble with the police and he didn't want me waiting for him to come home. He let me to hang dry all by myself and cared only about his position in the village and his relationship with the Dutch. He wanted to marry me and he wanted children and told me to stop studying because I was a girl and didn't need to become a doctor. He would become the doctor as it supposed to be he was the man and I would become a house cunt. I said no thank you. I was three months pregnant and had an abortion because he had impregnated a nurse from the hospital whom he married within 3 months after he abandoned me, he divorced her after the baby was born. I lost my baby and with the second one he didn't want to know me and sent me away. I told my therapist that I went to see him and she was excited? Ow and? I said well nothing of course, oh she responded and went on with business as usual. I met my therapist while I was pregnant and my partner had an affair with that nurse without me knowing it and she told me, well it's no big deal to loose someone who doesn't love you. That's all she ever said about him. We never talked about him. So I was surprised that she responded so enthusiastically when I told him I went to see him. I think she was enthusiastic because she hoped that someone else would help me and take the burden of her shoulders. Something like that. Well that was what I thought of yesterday suddenly. I have these thoughts that I suddenly think of and then think did I write that here? Or did I forgot that? I think I forgot to write this.

Did I tell you about what he did to my father? I think so. I was very sick that his father was so important to him and I had to squirm for this jerk to please him but when it came down to visiting my father a few days for his death because he wanted to see to whom he would leave his daughter behind he refused to come and said later I didn't know he was dying you never made that clear to me. Then his father died and he told me, my father has died, I think I said Oh and walked away. I was in shock that he told me that and maybe or surely expected me to say something like oh I am sorry, what happened? how are you feeling, how awful for you, but I couldn't believe that. Could he really expected that? While he laughed in my face, let my father die and blame me, let me hang dry with a serial killer an rapist and laugh it off, let my baby die and refuse to safe the second and then expect that I would say oh I am so sorry. I think I was in shock when I turned around and walked away. I will never understand the coldness, the heartless and lovelessness of Dutch people. Like the rest of the world we are every time in shock and appalled by their reactions. I can't even imagine what would have happened if I was just a stupid christian cow and would have married him and stopped my education and become a trophy wife? Decoration to be flaunted at receptions where I would serve his colleagues from the hospital snacks and drinks. Like all my peers ended up doing after they graduated they all got married and never worked as a doctor. They became wives with degrees entertaining the colleagues of their husbands. If I asked them during the studies what they wanted to do after graduation I meant which specialisation they just said straight in my face, marry! I only studied to fill in the time until I can get married. They never ever had the intention to work as a doctor it was only to impress the family, the husband to be, society. The daughter of Den Uyl, the PM of the Netherlands in the 70' who created that great Netherlands that everybody still believes exists, proposed to force Dutch women to work at least ten years full time to pay back the investment of society into these women. She was mocked and laughed off, but I thought it was a great idea. Not knowing that at that moment Donner and the queen already started forcing women to stay at home and forbid them to work and have children or be unmarried. What Sonja? den Uijl proposed was exactly what the queen and Donner wanted to prevent and as we know they won.

I realise that this is not where the story left off but I have these flashbacks and I can't store them to write them down whenever it fits in the story in the future because the writing goes very slow. I don't write here for weeks. I have to squeeze this part in where I started writing about him but maybe I'll do that later if it will ever become a book. I don't think so.

I think the post before this one is that horrible video of that stupid american inetrviewing Nigel Farage. I now know who this guy is sort of and I suggest you don't watch that horrible interview because this Nigel is not completely koosher and the interview was rubbish, forget about it. I thought it was about the influence of the Bilderberg group in the EU and about the fucking queen but it isn't just skip it.

Posted by seja leeuwen at 06:39 No comments:

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